but I always think fire.
(Maybe because dyslexia runs in my family. Brazenly -> blaze. Totally possible.)
In 2011, I want to live brazenly.
Yes, this is the resolution post. I’m been putting it off again and again. I have my reasons. I’ll show you those reasons in a sec. Actually, those reasons kind of explain why I’ve decided to pick this resolution.
(Disclaimer: in this post, you’ll soon see exactly how odd and insane it can be inside my head. Be afraid. Be v. afraid, and maybe even run away while you still can.)
Anyway, in 2011, I want to live brazenly. Unapologetically. With boldness and flair and the kind of wide-open passion that is practically contagious. I want to be vivid and real and bursting with verve. Like that Thoreau dude, who said he wanted to suck the marrow out of life.
Thoreau = The guy that Robin William quotes in Dead Poets’ Society
That’s what I’ve been meaning to say for weeks, but every time I sat down to write, these little doubts crept up:
- I can’t write a resolution post. Everyone has written a resolution post. In fact, everybody wrote their resolution post maybe three weeks ago, and you’re just completely behind the 8-ball. (Obviously, I decided not to care.)
- Brazenly may not be the best word. I mean, it has a negative connotation.
adj.1. Marked by flagrant and insolent audacity. See Synonyms at shameless.2. Having a loud, usually harsh, resonant sound: “sudden brazen clashes of the soldiers’ band” (James Joyce).3. Made of brass.4. Resembling brass, as in color or strength.
tr.v. bra·zened, bra·zen·ing, bra·zensTo face or undergo with bold self-assurance: brazened out the crisis.
[Middle English brasen, made of brass, from Old English bræsen, from bræs, brass.]
brazen·ly adv.brazen·ness n.
(But I totally love this word. Just the way it sounds. I’m a sucker for words with “z” in them. :-P)
- Unapologetically really isn’t the best word either. For one thing, I’m not even totally sure it’s a real word. Also, what if people think that I’m one of those punks who never apologize? (But this word has been beating in my head for the past few weeks, right along with brazenly.)
- What if people think I have no self-esteem? I mean, if I’m spending a blog post on all my doubts, it’s probably not hard to believe that I get paralyzed by them. (But that’s just not true. Sometimes, I’m a little too confident. To the point of even sounding very sure when I am completelyBSing. For example:Me: “No, Mom. Of course you didn’t leave your purse in the car.”Mom: “Are you positive?”
Mom: “Then what’s this behind the seat?” *pulls purse out*
Me: “Oh. Oops. Hahahahaha.”
And yes, this is a true story.)
- [This one happened more recently.] I can’t write a blog post about all the voices in my head! People will think I’m neurotic like whoa. (But I’m pretty sure most people I know guess that I’m a little neurotic anyway. It kind of goes with the writer territory.)
It’s safe to say that I seriously over-think everything.
But remember the Internal Editor demon? It’s like he’s come away from the revision desk and started following me around in regular, every day life. He shows up not when I’m doing things, but after I’ve done them. For example, I’ll send an email. Then I’ll reread the email, biting my fingernails and wondering, “Why did I have to write that line? That’s a stupid line. What if [the recipient] think I’m [insert negative adjective here]?”
So, when I say that I want to live brazenly, I mean I want to gag the Internal Editor. I want to cut through all the chatter in my head (see above) and chart my own course.
I want to be bold. Brazen even.